I have spent the past three days laying in bed. That is all I have done. One meal a day, maybe a trip to the bathroom, but otherwise I have not gotten up. Why, you may ask? Well, I do not really know…
I have a really big exam coming up this week. I have already failed it once before. If I fail again, I will not be graded and thus have to take the year over again. You’d think I would work really hard to get through, right? Wrong. Currently, I am surfing the internet for other careers. I’d do anything to not have to face this. I do not really know why, but I imagine it is because I am terrified of failure.
I have always accomplished whatever I set my mind to. I have never had to work really hard. I get top grades without studying. I can learn a new skill within an hour. Give me a new song to play on guitar, and I can play it almost perfectly on the first or second try.
Everyone I meet tells me how lucky I am. How fortunate I am to grasp everything so quickly. What they do not see, however, is how spoiled I am with this. I have never had to work hard to achieve something, so naturally, when I am faced with a task too difficult… I break down. A complete wreck. Unable to do anything.
I lay in bed all day. Drowning in my misery. Doing everything I can to avoid doing what everyone else faces everyday. In some ways, my mind is much more developed than my peers. But in other ways, I am still a little child. I am unable to face struggles, and would rather stay in bed and have someone else fix the “problem” or situation for me. I am completely dependent on my mum and the care she provides. Can I stay under my mums protection for all time? No. But will I try? Seems like it.
Where do I go from here? I know I would rather hide from difficult times, rather than overcoming them. That has to change. But how? How does one change what is natural to them? How does one take the first step into the adult world? I have always been afraid of growing up, and the responsibilities that come along with it…
So where do I start? I think I will start by getting my butt out of bed, even if it is 9 pm, and try to spend some time feeling good about myself. After all, I have spent the last three days lying to myself and telling myself I am a disappointment to everyone. This is not true, and I will not let it be true. I can do this, I just have take baby steps.